The weight of a poorly chosen word: Integration between Psychoanalysis and CBT in Nonviolent Communication
Introduction:
It was a typical Tuesday in a busy office when, during a tense meeting, the manager lost his temper. The team was having trouble with the project schedule, and one of the employees, looking for a solution, suggested adjusting the deadline. Without thinking twice, the boss retorted:
"If you can't handle it, then maybe this isn't the place for you!"
The silence in the room was instant. The employee, visibly embarrassed and indignant, swallowed hard and continued the meeting, but that phrase would not be forgotten. Days later, a lawsuit was filed: workplace harassment. What could have been a productive conversation, focused on finding alternatives, became a legal impasse.
The mistake wasn't just in the content of the message, but in how it was communicated. The aggressive tone, the lack of empathy, and the absence of a safe space for dialogue transformed a simple disagreement into a problem with serious repercussions.
This episode illustrates the impact of a lack of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in the professional environment—and in life as a whole. How many times has an impulsive remark compromised relationships, caused unnecessary conflicts, or generated resentment?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC): a skill for all areas of life.
The way we communicate directly influences our relationships, whether at work, at home, or in social interactions. Developing empathetic and assertive communication skills is not just a matter of social etiquette, but an essential competence for avoiding conflicts, improving relationships, and achieving goals more effectively.
The Rodriguez Costa Mental Health Clinic proposes an integrative approach combining Psychoanalysis and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to enhance this capacity. The combination of these approaches allows both an exploration of the unconscious aspects that interfere with communication and the development of practical tools to reshape dysfunctional interaction patterns.
Psychoanalysis, developed by Freud and further explored by authors such as Lacan and Winnicott, allows us to access unconscious content that shapes how we express and interpret messages. Often, how we react to certain situations is not related to the present moment, but to past traumas, projections, and defense mechanisms. When we become aware of these processes, we can reshape our communication, making it less reactive and more strategic.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), based on the work of Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis, helps to modify dysfunctional thought patterns. Many communication difficulties stem from irrational beliefs and automatic thoughts, such as "if they disagree with me, it's because they don't respect me" or "if someone criticizes my work, it's because I'm incompetent." By identifying and reframing these distortions, we can develop more adaptive and constructive responses.
Finally, Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a practical model for expressing feelings and needs clearly and respectfully. Instead of accusations and judgments, NVC teaches how to build dialogues that promote empathy, connection, and mutual understanding.
Next, we present a practical exercise that combines the principles of NVC with psychoanalytic and cognitive-behavioral interventions to improve interpersonal communication.
Development:
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) proposes four essential steps for communicating how we feel in a given situation:
OBSERVATION
EMOTION
NEED
ORDER
Each of these steps can be enriched with psychoanalytic and CBT interventions, as described below.
NOTE : WHAT HAPPENED?
The goal here is to describe the other person's behavior objectively, without judgment or generalization. Below are examples of phrases that apply Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Psychoanalysis, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
"You slammed the door shut after our conversation..."
"You said 'that doesn't make sense' after my suggestion at the meeting..."
"You interrupted me three times during the discussion..."
Why are these statements effective?
They describe only the behavior, without subjective interpretations.
They avoid labels or accusations, which reduces resistance.
They maintain a neutral tone and remain open to dialogue.
Recommendations to put into practice:
Define the behavior as objectively as possible, trying to maintain neutrality in your description. Avoid using generalizations or abstract words to define the behavior or the person (for example: "when you are selfish...", "you are narcissistic", "when you want to take advantage of me...", etc.).
Psychoanalytic Intervention
“When you spoke to me more harshly today, I realized I was very bothered. It reminded me of moments from my childhood when my father would correct me harshly.”
“When I heard your criticism of my report, I felt an insecurity that has been with me for years. Could I be projecting an old fear onto this situation?”
“When you ignored my suggestion in the meeting, I felt more frustrated than expected. Could this be related to past experiences where my opinion wasn't valued?”
Why are these statements effective?
They promote self-analysis, identifying whether the reaction is rooted in past experiences.
They avoid transference and projection, which reduces impulsive reactions.
They create space for a more conscious internal and external dialogue.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Technique
“When you gave me negative feedback on the project, I initially thought 'he doesn't value my work,' but then I realized that this might be a misinterpretation and that perhaps you were just trying to improve the results.”
“When you didn't reply to my message in the work group, I automatically thought you were ignoring me, but upon closer analysis, I realized you might have been busy.”
“When you disagreed with my idea in the meeting, I felt attacked, but then I reflected that disagreements are part of the job and don't necessarily mean rejection.”
Why are these statements effective?
They apply cognitive restructuring, correcting distorted thoughts such as catastrophizing or personalization.
They avoid hasty interpretations, promoting a more rational view of the situation.
They make communication less reactive and more strategic.
EMOTION: WHAT DO I FEEL WHEN THIS HAPPENS?
The goal here is to express what we feel without accusing the other person, focusing on our own emotional experience. This allows for more empathetic communication and reduces the chances of defensiveness or confrontation.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
"When you raise your voice at me, I feel scared and insecure."
"When you repeatedly interrupt me, I feel devalued and frustrated."
"When you react sarcastically to my suggestions, I feel demotivated and disrespected."
Why are these statements effective?
They express genuine feelings without turning the conversation into an attack.
They create a space for empathy and understanding.
They make visible emotions that may not be obvious to the other person.
Recommendations to put into practice:
Name your emotions (anger, sadness, anguish, fear). They speak about you, not the other person.
AVOID using interpretations (for example: “I feel like you want to take advantage of me,” “I feel like you don’t consider me important,” “I feel like you’re aggressive”). This type of phrase doesn’t express emotions, but rather thoughts and assumptions about the other person or the situation. Generally, these interpretations are based on projections or ideas that reflect more about ourselves than about the other person. Furthermore, they often make the other person feel judged and, consequently, adopt a defensive posture.
Psychoanalytic Intervention
“When you speak to me harshly, I feel a similar anguish to what I felt when my mother criticized me as a child.”
“When you don’t respond immediately, I feel a sense of abandonment I’ve experienced before. Does this feeling stem from the present situation or something older?”
“When you question my work harshly, I feel like I’m not good enough. This feeling has been with me for a long time, and I need to better understand where it comes from.”
Why are these statements effective?
They help identify unconscious patterns, bringing to light past traumas or experiences.
They prevent projections, allowing the person to realize when they are reacting to something from the past and not to the present.
They create a more conscious and healthy internal dialogue.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Technique
“When you ignore me in a conversation, I automatically think you're angry with me. But then I realize it might just be my assumption.”
“When you criticize my work, my first thought is 'I'm not good enough,' but then I reflect and see it's just feedback to improve.”
“When you don't praise my efforts, my mind tells me I'm not valued, but upon reviewing the situation, I realize I might be exaggerating my interpretation.”
Why are these statements effective?
They allow for the reassessment of emotional reactions to avoid cognitive distortions.
They bring clarity to the difference between thought and reality.
They promote more rational and assertive emotional control.
NEED: WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?
The goal here is to express the need that underlies the emotion, helping the other person understand what is truly important to you and reducing the likelihood of the conversation turning into a conflict.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
"When you raise your voice, I feel uncomfortable because I need to feel respected during our conversations."
"When you constantly interrupt me, I feel frustrated because I need to be heard to fully express my ideas."
"When you don't respond to my messages, I get anxious because I need clarity about what's happening."
Why are these statements effective?
They focus on the needs of the person speaking, without turning the conversation into an accusation.
They explain emotion in a rational way, making it easier to understand.
They create a safe space for the other person to understand and act differently.
Recommendations to put into practice:
Speak only about yourself, avoiding focusing on the other person. For example, prefer to say "I need to feel respected" instead of "You have to respect me."
Psychoanalytic Intervention
“When my opinion is not taken into account, I feel an intense need for recognition. I need to understand if this stems solely from the situation or from something older.”
“When I am ignored in a conversation, it bothers me deeply. Does this remind me of childhood moments when I felt I had no voice?”
“When someone criticizes my work abruptly, my need to be valued becomes evident. Does this need have roots in past experiences where I felt I was never enough?”
Why are these statements effective?
They help explore the origin of emotional needs, leading to greater self-awareness.
They allow one to differentiate between genuine needs and past traumas.
They prevent the person from reacting disproportionately to the current situation.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Technique
“When someone disagrees with me, my first reaction is to think I'm not valued. But, upon reflection, I realize that disagreement doesn't mean disrespect, and that I need to learn to deal with it better.”
“When I feel my opinion is ignored, the need to be heard becomes very intense. Upon closer analysis, I realize that sometimes I might be exaggerating my interpretation of the situation.”
“When someone criticizes my work, I feel I need more recognition. But, instead of assuming I'm not valued, I can directly ask what I can improve.”
Why are these statements effective?
They reframe their perception of the situation to avoid cognitive distortions.
They allow us to assess whether the expressed need is realistic and adaptable to reality.
They reduce intense emotional reactions based on hasty interpretations.
REQUEST: HOW WOULD I LIKE THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT?
The goal here is to formulate clear and specific requests, ensuring that communication is productive and preventing the conversation from turning into criticism or demands that generate resistance.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
“When you raise your voice, I feel uncomfortable because I need to be respected. Could you speak to me in a calmer tone next time?”
“When you don’t give me feedback on an important matter, I get anxious because I need more clarity. Could you let me know if you need more time to respond?”
“When you criticize my work without acknowledging what was done correctly, I feel undervalued. Before pointing out improvements, could you highlight something positive in what I did?”
Why are these statements effective?
They are direct, but not aggressive, which makes it easier for the request to be accepted.
They transform complaints into concrete solutions, avoiding an accusatory tone.
They give the other person space to decide, instead of imposing a requirement.
Recommendations to put into practice:
Frame the sentences in this step as questions (“Could you…?”, “Would it be possible…?”). This reduces the chance that the other person will feel obligated or pressured to act in a certain way, which usually generates resistance. The question conveys the idea that the other person has the right to refuse the request.
Avoid making requests in the form of orders (for example: "You have to speak to me more politely!").
The request should suggest specific and detailed behaviors, rather than abstract character definitions. For example, prefer saying "Could you speak in a lower tone of voice?" instead of "Could you be less rude?".
Psychoanalytic Intervention
"Am I asking you to be kinder to me because I genuinely need it, or am I trying to get you to act in a way that reassures me about my own insecurities?"
"When I ask you to listen to me more attentively, is my need legitimate, or am I constantly seeking approval due to a long-held fear of rejection?"
"Does my request reflect a genuine desire to improve our communication, or am I trying to gain more control over the situation?"
Why are these statements effective?
They avoid unconscious manipulation, ensuring that the request is not a form of control.
They promote self-reflection, helping to differentiate a real need from an old emotional pattern.
They make communication more authentic and less reactive.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Technique
“When you raise your voice, my first thought is 'he doesn't respect me.' But instead of assuming that, I prefer to ask directly: could you speak to me in a lower tone?”
“Whenever you interrupt me, I assume you don't value my opinion. But maybe it's just a habit. Can we agree that each of us finishes our thought before speaking?”
“When you don't answer my messages, I automatically think something is wrong. Instead, I can ask you: can we set a reasonable time for responses?”
Why are these statements effective?
They transform negative automatic thoughts into productive actions.
They restructure distorted beliefs to avoid hasty interpretations.
They promote more objective and less emotionally charged communication.
Exercises:
Choose a past situation in which you felt uncomfortable with another person's behavior.
Describe the observed behavior objectively.
Name the emotions you felt.
Identify the unmet need.
Formulate a clear and specific request.
Furthermore, reflect on:
Did the situation trigger any unconscious memory?
Is there a recurring pattern in how you react?
Are there cognitive distortions involved?
Conclusion
Impulsive communication can generate unnecessary conflicts and even serious consequences, while an empathetic and structured approach avoids friction and strengthens relationships. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) goes beyond avoiding arguments; it improves clarity in interactions and promotes constructive dialogue.
As demonstrated, we adopt an integrated approach here, combining NVC, Psychoanalysis, and CBT to:
Developing assertive and empathetic dialogues, strengthening bonds ( NVC );
Identifying unconscious patterns that affect communication ( Psychoanalysis );
Reshaping dysfunctional beliefs, reducing internal and external conflicts ( CBT ).
Whether at work, at home, or in social life, conscious communication is an essential tool for creating genuine connections and avoiding misunderstandings. Speaking with respect and balance not only improves our relationships but also transforms how we are perceived by the world.
Knowing this, how about starting today to apply the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and integrate techniques from Psychoanalysis and CBT into your daily life? Therefore, if you want to improve your communication and strengthen your interpersonal connections, contact the Rodriguez Costa Mental Health Clinic and take the first step towards more empathetic and effective interaction!
Bibliographic References
BECK, Aaron T. Cognitive Therapy: Theory and Practice . Porto Alegre: Artmed, 1997.
ELLIS, Albert. The 21 Irresistible Key to Emotional Intelligence: How Emotions Affect Our Lives . São Paulo: Bestseller, 2003.
FREUD, Sigmund. Psychopathology of Everyday Life . São Paulo: Companhia das Letras, 2017.
ROSENBERG, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: Techniques for Improving Personal and Professional Relationships . São Paulo: Editora Ágora, 2019.
WINNICOTT, Donald W. Playing and Reality . São Paulo: Martins Fontes, 1975.